Should I tell my husband I had an affair?

Co-workers making out in the office

Hi
I’m an accountant and married. Sometime in July we had some late hours at the office getting ready for an audit. I was pretty tired and drowsy and my co-worker came behind me and started massaging my shoulders and neck muscles. It felt really good but before I could catch myself and realize what was happening, we ended having an affair. I felt so terrible. I feel so guilty. Please understand I don’t have any feelings for this guy (he’s my friend). I love my husband dearly. Almost three months have passed and this guilt just would not go away. I want to talk to him about it but I’m too scared and too embarrassed. Besides, my girlfriends says what he does know won’t hurt him. I’ve never kept secrets from him before; I want to tell him but ….what should I do? Should I tell him?

Desiree

Dear Desiree

It’s alright to feel guilty in your situation. Actually, I’d be surprised if you didn’t. Sometimes guilt is God’s way of letting us know we’ve violated a sacred trust. However, a guilty conscience doesn’t have to rub you of life and relationship.

My old parish priest use to say “confession is good for the soul.” He was right; it’s also good for your relationship. Research shows that marriages that survive infidelity, and even thrive, are those in which the partners talk about the affair.

So first and foremost, you need to clear your conscience. That means taking responsibility for your part in the affair and confessing it to God. Once forgiven, God no longer holds this against you and nor should you.

Secondly you need to clear the air with your co-worker. Let him know that this was a terrible mistake that should never have happened. If it’s a case where he took advantage of your vulnerability, let him know how disappointed and upset you are but that you have decided to forgive him. Then move on with your life. But you’d also want to ensure that you establish clear and appropriate boundaries so that you don’t end up in such compromising situations in the future.

Now comes the most difficult part; confess your infidelity to your husband. Your girlfriends may tell you that what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him so let sleeping dogs lie. That’s toxic advice. Keeping secretes from your husband will not only hurt him, they will hurt you and your marriage. It’s already driving a wedge between the two of you. Of course, there’s no guarantee that he will reward your openness, honesty and self-disclosure with your favorite flowers and chocolate. He may go mute or raise hell and storm out of the house. This might even ruin your marriage. Understand though that he has a right to feel hurt, betrayed and upset. Hopefully however, after he has gotten a chance to clear his head and work through his emotions and feelings he’ll come around. And as you both work through this episode to rebuild your lives, in time you will develop a stronger, healthier relationship. More than fifty (50%) percent of men and women who had an affair reported that their marriages were actually better after the affair than before it. (Now for those of you going “hmmm—an affair is a great way to improve my marriage”—think again. Almost all couples reported carrying some hurt even after the marriage has healed).

But suppose your husband decided after all is said and done that he wants out —and God forbid— (chances are he won’t, since more than 70% of couples stay married after an affair), don’t panic; there is life after separation and divorce. At least you would have done the right thing, regaining your peace of mind, dignity and life in the process.